white with two.

do you ever get the feeling that your heart just, well, died?
it happens to me every time i watch dead poets society.
every single time. in an hour and a half, i become inspired and then whatever thought, dream or idea is killed.
i'm kind of like neil and it scares me. it scares me so much that i watch the movie over again, waiting, hopelessly for the ending that will suit me. it's a constant suffocation by pressure. my entire life.
drowning in expectations. i just want it to stop. but not like neil.
although, i did play the part of puck once. just like neil.
see? it's scary. i can't take it. i don't know who i want to be. i mean, i'm only eighteen.
it's not like i really exist is it? have i even made an impact in this so called place?
indeed, i think i have not. not at all. i won't be remembered. i won't be missed.
why is it so important that i decide my future now?
all i want, is to be remembered. and i can't do that if i don't even remember who i am.